After taking a two year hiatus from dating, I am putting
myself back “out there”. Part of me is thinking what a waste of time dating has
always been and the other part says, get over it and just do it. First I’d like
to define dating. Dating to me is meeting up with someone (in my case a man)
with the intention of getting to know that person and hopeful there’s some kind
of spark, chemistry or connection that propels me to want to see him again. I
wasn’t really planning on getting into the dating scene, but it seemed all at
once there were 3 eligible men swarming around. I live in NYC and yes dating is
a scene. Also a friend from childhood who I hadn’t heard from in 4 years now
works for a dating service and randomly sent me an email asking if I was single
and interested in meeting someone. We are still trying to get together so she
can have a better sense of who I am when she meets with her clients. It seems
the universe is saying it’s time for me to date. That and my astrologer told me
my chart says Venus is in Saturn for me until September so to look out for
love. In putting my best yogini foot forward, one needs to invest in a wardrobe and
cosmetics especially if one lives in yoga gear with her hair in a bun most days
and evenings. Mani/peds are already in my weekly routine. This is not what I
like to spend my limited income on, but I have to say I had a good time picking
out dresses and shoes and actually getting dressed up to go out on the town. With
support from friends near and far, I am up for this challenge and believe me
dating is challenging anywhere let alone for a Buddhist yogini living in NYC.
What you think you see is not what you get. What I do for a living and how I
live my life are philosophies and lifestyle choices, not a hobby.
One of my male friends had this to say, a perspective I
hadn’t thought of before:
“On
behalf of the entire male population, I thank you for returning to the dating
game =). You are a truly beautiful and engaging woman with a real spirit
and sense of wonder. That is something any man would be lucky to
have. I know it is a process that can be extremely hard on the ego
though, so my thoughts are with you!”
Look at that, I even have a
referral from an awesome guy if I might add. I hadn’t thought that little ol’
me was depriving men of a decent date. Certainly there are many of us out
there, but if we all throw in the towel and say forget it, then great guys like
the one above gets screwed, too. Just in case you are wondering if I am dating
him, I am not. He lives across the country and is significantly younger than
I. We have a mature friendship and
dialogue. Before my friend
wrote that, all I could see was the endless line of men who didn’t want the
same thing as I did - a mutually understood relationship that could lead to a
commitment. I am 43, never been married or engaged, and no children. Seems
perfectly normal and sane to me, but unusual to others. The smile I
have today started a long time ago.
In 2007 I wrote an interactive blog called “The Rules,
Really?” inspired by the book “The Rules” which was a totally new world to me
as well as the impetus for the blog. I wanted to see how my behavior matched up
with their rules. BTW, both women who authored the book are divorced and the
whole premise of playing by “The Rules” is to get a ring which happens to come
with a husband. Quite honestly, the whole thing made me sick. Turns out I am a
natural rule breaker and subsequently proved their point as to why I wasn’t
married. Marriage has never been a goal for me. Happiness has. They left out
the part of being a happy person. There are some good pointers in the book that
make sense like dating more than one person at a time, be busy, mysterious,
never too available and make them chase after you because men like to hunt.
Sounds like women are prey, well sometimes it seems that way. I recently reread
that blog and had a blast going down memory lane. Dating and writing about it,
now that’s a lot of work. Especially when you aren’t getting paid for either. Time
is very valuable.
When I date, I am dating. Not just one or two men, but three
if I can swing it. The more the merrier. I don’t sleep with any of them right
away if ever. I find that they quickly drop off because they confuse dating and
getting to know someone with a fuck buddy. I’ve experience many different types
of relationships. Twenty years of yoga and meditation have brought clarity to
me that an intimate connection with someone else can only come from being
intimate with oneself. If it doesn’t feel right to me to have more than one
lover than don’t do it. If it does, then do it.
I like to think of having a team of men in a dug out and
watching them come up to bat. It’s the ones who actually aren’t in it for the “home
run”, but just want to get on base and play that you’ll actually have a chance
to get to know. If you get the home run straight away then neither of you will
have anything to look forward to. This doesn’t mean that because you wait to
have sex that the relationship will work out. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t.
But what probably will happen is that you’ve had a chance to open to desire, be
in a space to get to know someone and see if this person is a good choice for
you or not. Afterall we are all a work in progress and the more work the more
progress. There’s tons of advice out there on what to do and what not to do and
how long to wait and yada- yada-yada. For women over 40, we have a different game
and reality than the younger single women out there. I am happy to be right
where I am. The choices I make now are very different than when I was in my 20s
and 30s. I do my best to be clear with intentions and remember to be open to experiences.
This is how change happens and you might just find yourself in a relationship
that feels right.
